Going to university is an exciting time in any students' life. You get to meet new people, the parties are lit, and if you bother doing your assessments and showing up to your exams, it’s likely you’ll get a sweet degree at the end of it.
Unless you are afforded the luxury of rich parents, inherited a fortune from your Aunt Jan, or started an underground crab gambling circuit in your basement, chances are you’ll end up in a share house situation.
As much as it can be a fun permanent sleepover with some rad new flatmates, you could also end up with Ted Bundy’s long-lost cousin or worse: someone who openly enjoys listening to Nickleback. Either way, conflict is likely to come up no matter who you end up sharing your digs with.
No one likes having those awkward conversations, well except me, because I’m a weirdo and find awkward conversations hilarious. But if you don't, here are 100% full-proof options to avoid conflict in your uni share house.
- Didn’t get the room you wanted? Rather than starting an argument straight off the bat, do what any other sane person would do. Wait until the selfish room-taking jerk, I mean person, is away and completely swap rooms. Place everything in the other room in the exact position of the original room, including how their dirty clothes were spread across the floor. When asked about it pretend they’ve lost their mind and it’s always been that way.
- You know what starts arguments? Dirty dishes left in the sink. Solve this whole issue by getting rid of every dish, piece of cutlery and other cooking utensils in the house. Replace with paper dishes and throw out after each use. Pat yourself on the back for being such a problem solver.
- You know what causes people to be irritable and more likely to bicker over the little things? Lack of sleep. Do your flatmates a solid, wait till they nod off and change all of their alarms for later in the morning. They’ll wake up completely refreshed, not grumpy and ready for the world! Who cares if they missed that important exam, sleep’s important yo!
- Take one for the team by having especially long showers at every given opportunity. I’m talking hours in that goddamn bathroom. It’ll teach your flatmates important time management skills to get ready quicker. And cold showers will help them burn calories and increase their energy or some shit, #healthyliving.
- Stick to the classics. There’s a reason post-it notes were invented and that’s for the sole purpose of writing passive-aggressive messages, rather than having to speak to people face-to-face. In fact, refuse to communicate in anything but post-its, and you’ll completely avoid those uncomfortable discussions you don’t want to have.
- Save fights about the electricity bill. Eat other people's food in the fridge so you don't have to buy your own. Urinate outside, wash your clothes in the shower, and use candles in your room. Since you’re not using electricity you can hardly be expected to contribute now, can you?
- Ah, the whole feuding over the remote chestnut. Save the tension between AFL crazy Robert, and Susan who’s dying to watch Greys Anatomy, by putting on a constant loop of everyone’s favourite show, Keeping Up the Kardashians. Damn Gina, you’re so good at this establishing a happy home environment.
- It’s 100% scientific proven fact that WIFI causes brain cancer. Randomly unplug the wifi cable modem all the time because you’re a kind, caring flatmate that would never want cancer to happen to your roomies. Be humble about it, though. No-one likes a boaster. Never admit to the steps you’re taking to save their lives.
- If any of your flatmates want to have a talk and are not abiding by the post-it rules mentioned above, the best way to avoid this conversation is to pretend you don’t speak a word of English. Declare “ME NO SPEAK NO ENGLISH” and then continue your gossip on your mobile in clear, perfect English.
- Keep the mood light-hearted by doing constant pranks on your flatmates. Put food colouring in the iron, replace oreo centres with toothpaste and wrap their bedroom doors with clingwrap. Watch as HILARITY ENSUES!
- Got a creative side? Show your appreciation to your flatmates by painting a “family mural” in the loungeroom. Even if you're not artistic, go for it anyway! Abstract art is all the rage at the moment. Take up an instrument such as the drums, ukelele or guitar to serenade your mates to show them how much you love them. Practice at all hours, and all times, to perfect it for them later.