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You’ve Finished Your Degree. Now What?
So it’s happened. Through all the blood sweat and tears, sleepless nights, jars of your tears that one professor proudly displays on his desk, goon benders and passive aggressive fights with your share house members you’ve finally received your degree. It was a walk in the park apart from that whole attempt at faking your own death and complete mental breakdown thing. But yew! It's finally all done and dusted and now it's time to get the show on the road, blow this popsicle stand and head out into the real world.
So, um, what the frig do you actually do now I hear you ask? Ah my children, you’re free. Nope right out of there and go forth and prosper or some shit. But if you’re as clueless as Gwenyth Paltrow in a Kmart store then I'm here to help, because I’m cute like that. These are my tips below on what exactly to do now that you've got your degree.
Tell Everyone How You Really Feel
It’s all over now! And you know what that means? No more having to hold your tongue and be nice. You can finally tell people what you really think of them. Professor Smith or should I Say Professor Snake? Let that sadistic bastard know exactly what you thought of his surprise popup exams at every given opportunity. A plague on all his houses! That annoying girl who used to sit in front of you and talk on her phone all day- throw that phone at her head, if Naomi Campbell can do it you can too. And don’t even get me started on your share-house flatmate Robert and all the revenge dishes you’ve got for that salty bitch.
Burn as many bridges as possible. In fact, literally burn the whole university down.
You don’t go there anymore. It’s not your problem.
Don’t Worry About Your Students Loans and Debts
Having to pay back your uni debts and loans is a myth made up like Santa Claus, for the sole purpose of keeping you in line whilst at uni to ensure you get through your course for the purpose of getting a job to pay back the debt you needed to get the job in the first place. That was confusing as shit. Anyway. I’m 75.20% sure that as soon as you walk out those gates having to pay your debts back is a big lie, like happiness and the chance of me finding someone to date. Now that you’re also woke, you don't have to bother with the paying back nonsense either.
Alternatively, if you really are concerned with doing the “right thing” (currently pointing at you and calling you a nerd in my head) and paying back the money then never get a job. You can’t pay back something if you don’t make any money, can you? Which brings us to our next point.....
No Job. No Worries.
Didn’t manage to score yourself a job straight away? Welcome to life. Hey, don’t sweat it. To put things in perspective you’re going to spend the rest of your life being rejected from job opportunities, promotions, tinder swipes, dates, holidays, marriage proposals and more. So there’s that.
Just head on back to the parental units house, because let's face it, they wanted an excuse to come out of retirement and go back to work to support you anyway. Catch up on all the things you missed like sleep, even if it takes you 25 years. Become one with the couch and now you are the couch. Never move.
Put the Skills You Learnt At Uni Into Practice
You know what university was good for? Teaching you valuable life-long skills like how to not murder anybody before you’ve had your morning coffee, how to survive without any sleep for like months and most importantly how to go on a three-day goon bender and still rock up to your lecture the next day and work an eight-hour shift at the pub that night.
So why stop there? Go on week long benders, month benders, year benders if you’re so inclined. If people around you try to spoil your fun and suggest you try sobering up or something as ridiculously stupid cut those monsters out of your life. Because they haven’t experienced the joys of being so drunk you answer your own texts, ruining every relationship you have and slowly killing every brain cell doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have to.
Go On a Crime Spree Then Go On The Run
You know what would be, like, super fun? Going on a wicked crime spree. We've all fantasised about our lives as Thelma and Lousie, minus the whole suicide over a cliff thing but definitely include the Brad Pitt lover look alike in there. I say stop being pussies and actually get out there and do it. Rob a bank, change identities and retire on a Mexican beach drinking sangria and siestas under the pseudonym anything Sanchez. Hey, why stop there. Go murder your primary school nemesis. Actually, don’t do that one, that’s a terrible idea (unless you really really think you can get away with it).
Whilst I think you should all totally take my advice because it's excellent in every way and I'm pretty much the Jesus of our generation there are far more sane options available to you. Check out the rest of the GradAustralia website to look for the best internships, graduate and student job options to point you in the right direction after completing your degree.