So it’s happened. Through all the blood, sweat and tears. Sleepless nights. Jars of your tears that one professor proudly displays on his desk. Goon benders. And passive aggressive fights with your share house members. You’ve finally received your degree!
It was a walk in the park really, apart from that whole attempt at faking your own death and moving to Mexico after that little mental breakdown thing. But yew! It's finally all done and dusted. Now, it's time to get the show on the road, blow this popsicle stand and head out into the real world.
So, um, what the frig do you actually do now, I hear you ask? Ah, my children, you’re free. Nope right out of there, go forth and prosper or some shit. But if you’re as clueless as Gwenyth Paltrow in a Kmart store then I'm here to help, because I’m cute like that. These are my tips below on what to do now you've got your degree.
It’s all over now! And you know what that means? No more having to hold your tongue and be nice. You can finally tell people what you really think of them.
Professor Smith, or should I say Professor Snake? Let that sadistic bastard know exactly what you thought of his surprise pop-up exams at every given opportunity. A plague on all his houses!
That annoying girl who used to sit in front of you and talk on her phone all day. Throw that phone at her head, if Naomi Campbell can do it you can too. And don’t even get me started on your share-house flatmate Robert and all the revenge dishes you’ve got for that salty bitch.
Burn as many bridges as possible. In fact, literally burn the whole university down.You don’t go there anymore. It’s not your problem.
Having to pay back your uni debts and loans is a myth made up like Santa Claus. It's for the sole purpose of keeping you in-line whilst at uni to ensure you get through your course, for the purpose of getting a job, to pay back the debt you needed to get the job in the first place.
That's confusing as shit. Anyway. I’m 75.20% sure that as soon as you walk out those gates, having to pay your debts back is a big lie. Like happiness and the chance of me ever finding someone to date. Now I've woke you up to, you don't have to bother with this paying back nonsense either.
Alternatively, if you really are concerned with doing the “right thing” (currently pointing at you and calling you a nerd in my head) and paying back the money, then I also have a solution. Never get a job. You can’t pay back something if you don’t make any money, can you? Which brings us to our next point...
Didn’t manage to score yourself a job straight away? Welcome to life. Hey, don’t sweat it. To put things in perspective, you’re going to spend the rest of your life being rejected from job opportunities, promotions, tinder swipes, dates, holidays, marriage proposals and more. So there’s that.
Just head on back to the parental units house, because let's face it. They wanted an excuse to come out of retirement and go back to work, to support you anyway. Catch up on all the things you missed like sleep, even if it takes you 25 years. Become one with the couch and now you are the couch. Never move.
You know what university was good for? Teaching you valuable life-long skills like how to not murder anybody before you’ve had your morning coffee. How to survive without any sleep for months. And most importantly, how to go on a three-day goon bender and still rock up to your lecture the next day, and work an eight-hour shift at the pub that night.
So why stop there? Go on week-long benders. Month benders. Even year benders, if you’re so inclined. If people around you try to spoil your fun by suggesting you try sobering up, or something as ridiculously stupid. Cut those monsters out of your life.
Just because they haven’t experienced the joys of being so drunk you answer your own texts, ruin every relationship you have, and slowly kill every brain cell, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have to.
You know what would be, like, super fun? Going on a wicked crime spree. We've all fantasised about our lives as Thelma and Lousie, minus the whole suicide over a cliff thing. But definitely including the Brad Pitt lover look alike in there.
I say stop being pussies and actually get out there and do it. Rob a bank, change identities and retire on a Mexican beach, drinking sangria and siestas under the pseudonym anything Sanchez. Hey, why stop there. Go murder your primary school nemesis.
Actually, don’t do that one, that’s a terrible idea (unless you really really think you can get away with it).
Whilst I think you should all totally take my advice because it's excellent in every way, and I'm pretty much the Jesus of our generation, there are far more sane options available to you.
Check out the rest of the GradAustralia website to look for the best internships, graduate and student job options to point you in the right direction after completing your degree.